Neely

One of my aunts died yesterday. She was 85. By some traditional gauges her life would not be measured large. She lived most of her life in one city - taking an airplane only once in her life. She did not have a profession. But that measure would be wrong. She was the youngest sister of my mother. Her oldest sister got married, had four kids and got into a lot of things visible. Her middle sister, who is 91, achieved meteoric heights as one of the first female sports reporters in the nation.

Neely's contribution to us was a couple of standards around which she organized her life.

The first standard was Fidelity. Beginning in the early 1950s Neely ceaselessly cared for three members of our family - first her father, then her mother and then her sister. There was not concern about how tough or unfair the job was - that was just what she did - care for people. But her fidelity ran deeper. While she grew up in a prominent family in Winston Salem and thus was engaged in a series of things that women of her age were engaged in (social and cultural activities in the community) that does not begin to explain her fidelity to her community. For someone who never travelled much she was suspiciously well informed about events in Washington and the world. While she was a mild democrat, she was a pretty good judge of political gravitas. She sniffed out the phonies in both parties. She seemed to do the same for civic leaders.

Her patriotism was deep and consistent. Not the kind that Roscoe Conkling the NY Senator worried about - held by "scalwags and scofflaws" but that continuing and deep love for one's country. She wasn't fooled by the poseurs who used patriotism to wrap themselves. She and her sister had a continuing bet on the Army-Navy game. She upheld the traditions of our grandfather and contributed to VMI (part of the family lore which Neely told us was that he had blown up the guardhouse - either as a result of that or in spite of it he then transferred to Columbia to finish). One of her concerns about our current situation in the world was the notion that if we were really in a war there should be some sacrifices.

For someone who never went to college she was tremendously well read. She knew opera, which I like although she could not carry a tune. She knew Dickens, and Twain and all sorts of other classic literature - not just because she had had to read those things at some time but because she had thought about the major themes of those books. We had lots of talk about the key characters in Dickens (which I like a lot). But she was also a student of contemporary culture. That included everything from a wide range of movies and TV. I think she put the rantings of some cultural critics in their proper perspective - but we often talked about values in society.

A few years ago we got together in Winston Salem for a summer barbeque - and all of us were impressed by the genuine affection that her neighbors held for her. That support network was mutual and impressive. Neely was the anchor of that network. Again, because she cared for people, she helped to nurture a community.

She had some health challenges in recent years, including the knees, but those were not a source of constant lamenting - just something that you lived with. She talked to my brother the doctor about health stuff more than I - she talked to me about tax stuff. She solicited advice from a variety of people but never was caught up in accepting expertise as fully determinative.

The second standard was Humor. I am the youngest of my siblings - so was Neely, There is a duality in that role. On the one hand the youngest is perceived as being able to get away with almost anything. (Which is not entirely true, although we often laughed about both the perception and the reality there.) On the other, the youngest is often dismissed in discussions. Neely, in her role as youngest, could be one hell of a raconteur. She would tell stories about family forebearers which were mostly true. Like her feelings for politicians and civic leaders she was able to separate the real heroes in our family lineage from the pretenders. But all of that gave us a sense of history. Californians often lack that perspective and Neely was the link who got us to think about characteristics that were common in our family. When I sent back a gift from my mother (of clothing) Neely told me about Totsy's (my grandfather) rejection of other people's gifts of clothing. As Hank William's Junior would have said - she taught us about our "family traditions."

The third standard was Energy. When she was younger she was an avid horsewoman. And later in life her knees paid for that - in the last couple of years that prevented us from being able to catch a new movie. She was up early and often would stay up late often watching a wide variety of TV - from political type like Bill Maher, to boxing, to the slightly risque movies on HBO and Showtime. And yet she never seemed to want to come up to steam on technology - while her older sister was an avid emailer - Neely would have none of it. We spoke about that several times and she said - somewhat honestly - she did not have any use for technology (although she got a cellphone when they were new - but gave it up as she found it did not aid her - technology was something to use not to let it use you. She spoke to each of us on a weekly basis - so much so that we had to schedule times to get through. Those conversations were a chance to catch up (she was interested in what was happening to our children and grandsons) but also a chance to talk about the issues of the day.

For the past 30 years I have visited the family Manse at least twice a year. We had a normal routine. We would go out to a couple of dinners and breakfasts (she had a continuing joke about the $20 bill which she carried but which I never let her use for lunch). We'd catch up on developments in Winston Salem and California. I would show her my latest techno-gadget and she would defer interest in using any of them (although a favorite she had was an electronic picture frame which I could update on the net - so she was able to see pictures of things happening almost in real time). My next one of those was scheduled for November and we had talked about things we wanted to do. I will miss those visits. But I will not forget those three qualities that made her loom so large in my life and in the life of her family and her community.