New Uses for the Zune

Over the week a story developed about a new use for the Zune, Microsoft's music "player" with pathetic sales. (Note: at the two year anniversary of the Zune, it had sold about 2 million units. During the same time period Apple has doubled its installed base to about 76 million units.) It seems that the 30 gig Zune freezes. Microsoft offered the following technical support:

1. Disconnect your Zune from USB and AC power sources.
2. Because the player is frozen, its battery will drain--this is good. Wait until the battery is empty and the screen goes black. If the battery was fully charged, this might take a couple of hours.
3. Wait until after noon GMT on January 1, 2009 (that's 7 a.m. Eastern or 4 a.m. Pacific time).
4. Connect your Zune to either a USB port on the back or your computer or to AC power using the Zune AC Adapter and let it charge. Unfortunately, according to message boards for the device, the "fix" did not work.

So in the spirit of assistance, there are at least 10 uses for a frozen Zune.

1. It makes a technocentric but very thick bookmark
2. Put it in your freezer for a couple of days and then use it to cool your liquid refreshments.
3. As a decoy. When you have friends from Microsoft, use wireless headphones, keep your iPod in your pocket but claim to be listening to the Zune.
4. As a skipping stone on the water (note this probably only works once, but then that follows a pattern for the device).
5. As a pretend iPhone, for people who simply don't get calls.
6. Drill a hole in it and use it as a Christmas tree ornament.
7. As a coaster.
8. As skeet. (Note this one probably only works once too.)
9. As a reminder of things not to buy a second time.
10. As the technical and non-caloric equivalent of V-8 (Gee, I could have had an iPod!)